Jenny Wrayne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladydreamer) wrote2012-10-11 09:13 pm
ladydreamer) wrote2012-10-11 09:13 pm
Entry tags:
FIC: I'm on My Way from Misery
Series: No Day But Today
Title: I'm On My Way From Misery
Pairs: Klaine being daddies, Rafe/Nick
Word Count: 4281~
Includes: Zombies somewhere out there, mpreg
Summary: At the order of their new leader, and spurred onward by the potential spread of deadly chemical gas and cannibals, the survivors head for the coast. David and Rafe reflect on the price for their new medical supplies.
AN: Some songs.
Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone
Beyonce's Halo (aka, Blaine's favorite song)
Gaga's Bad Romance- How Rafe would sing it. :P
It took Pippa five months of life to start being a fussy baby.
David was driving one of the tanks in the middle of the caravan, and it was populated by the leader, the berzerker, the children, the immobile, and the broken. Only Pippa was fussing at the moment. He mused that given how impossible this world was to predict, that baby girl was probably right to be screaming her head off for hours on end. It was like she knew at any moment, someone might pluck one of her daddies away from her. Lord knew, someone had tried recently, and for reasons that David couldn’t fathom, that man was riding in another car under Tina’s care.
Kurt reclined in the back with Pippa, rocking her and rubbing her back. He’d calmed her somewhat, but she was still letting out a whine as she curled into his body.
“Sorry,” Kurt apologized, perhaps for the seventh time.
“Oh, baby girl, we don’t like being on the road either!” Rafe blew her a kiss and rubbed his hand over Nick’s shoulder. Nick didn’t wake, however. He seemed impervious to the sound.
“She’s just tired,” Kurt murmured, pressing a kiss to her head. The soft, but steady whining continued. “We’ve disrupted her schedule, and we’re always in the car. It’s hard for her to get enough sleep.”
“I’ll hold her, if you get tired,” Saffire offered.
“If we can calm her enough, you can definitely hold her, but she’s better with me or Blaine... or dad. That man is a baby whisperer. I hope I didn’t do this to him as a kid!”
As if on cue, Blaine scooted up beside him, wrapped an arm around him, and started crooning at their baby. David caught sight of Kurt mouthing a thank you to Blaine, and resting his head on Blaine’s shoulder. Really, Kurt should be trying to get enough sleep on his own. He had injuries to heal and a baby to feed, and the tentative peace between the members of the group lay with their faith in Kurt’s survival abilities. One way or another, each one looked at him-- a teenager younger than David, a new parent, a fighter with two gunshot wounds that left him weak and hobbling-- as their savior.
It made sense. They’d all seen him fight now. They’d all heard the stories from other survivors before they’d left the refugee housing. Kurt had gained an almost symbolic status among the living. One who could protect life, create life. But that was a lot of pressure. And it wasn’t that David didn’t believe in Kurt. He certainly did. He just worried that this was too much to place on his slowly broadening shoulders. He worried this was too much for all of them, truthfully.
More than once, it had felt like too much for David, and he mostly stayed quiet, went along with the group, smoothed things over. It was what he was good at. Mild mannered David Lincoln.
Nick stirred and looked up with groggy eyes. The sound wasn’t what had alerted him. Something inside caused him to jerk his head up, looking around for danger, and babbling something about walkers.
Rafe turned his head a little, blinking quickly, and then petted Nick’s head very, very gently. As though his large but graceful hand could somehow further damage whatever had gone wrong inside Nick’s once thick skull.
But at least he was awake. It gave David anxiety any time Nick closed his eyes for more than a few minutes. David was sure that Nick would just slip back down into eternal sleep, freed from the confines of his body and the consequences of his heroism.
When Mike and the others had returned from the run for antibiotics, Nick had been unconscious, and Tianna explained that he’d had a grande mal seizure as a result of exposure to the chemical gas released at the army base. He’d slept for over a week. David had been pretty sure that Nick would die on the trip, eventually. Then they’d have to leave him and not give him a proper burial, the way they had the others. But they dragged his remains along, and Rafe had insisted on riding with Nick, staying by his side, holding him, talking and singing to him in a quite and chirrupy voice.
Finally, Nick had woken up. Groggy and confused as he was now. As he always seemed to be. He forgot things mid-sentence. He would frown suddenly, then try to wriggle away from them. The only relief was that he seemed to know who they were, even if the particulars of anything else were beyond him, most of the time.
Still, there was no telling what was going on in that head of his. Not without a brain scan. There was no point in getting too attached.
“Hey.” Rafe stroked his finger up and down Nick’s nose.
David couldn’t imagine what it would be like for the person you loved to just not be there anymore. For their body to linger on by your side, haunting you, when they were already gone.
Nick’s hand came up and he stared at Rafe for a moment. “Oh. Oh, we’re moving...” He smacked Rafe’s arm. “We’re moving! We’re moving.”
“Yeah, hon. We’re in the tank. Remember? We’re on our way.”
“Wh...” Nick looked around slowly. “Where... Where are we going?”
“Not sure yet,” Rafe said. “The boss man has us headed west, though. To the coast, if we have to go that far.”
“But...” Nick frowned, then finally turned his head to Kurt, Blaine, and Pippa. As though he suddenly heard the crying. “Oh, precious baby girl...”
“Yeah, she’s cranky, still. Sorry,” Blaine said, a bit loudly. “How are you doing? Is the ride bothering you?’’
Nick didn’t reply. He just kept looking around and around. David could see him through fleeting glances in the rear view mirror. Like a sad, brain-damaged puppy.
David swallowed and fixed his eyes on the road.
Eventually, Nick settled and started asking Rafe questions. Why weren’t they at the town. Where was everyone else. Did the walkers chase them out. Did they fix the wall like they’d been planning. Why was Kurt’s shoulder all wrapped up. Why were all the sounds smushed together. Why did his head hurt so much.
Patiently, Rafe answered each question yet again.
“It’s bright in here,” Nick murmured, holding his hands over his eyes.
“I know. We’ll get you some sunglasses, next run, okay?” Rafe kissed his forehead. “Just stay with me, sweetie. Stay with me.”
David drew in a deep breath.
Half an hour later, the caravan slowed. Time to switch drivers. David climbed into the back, and Blaine went up front. Messages were passed over the walkie-talkies, and the car started moving again.
Pippa let out a wail.
“Oh, sweetheart, please, please sleep,” Kurt begged.
“Maybe we should have your dad come over,” Blaine said.
Saffire held out her arms. “Lemme. You can put on the sling and lay down?”
“That’s not a terrible idea.” Kurt lifted her up and settled her into Saffire’s arms.
Everyone in the car winced as Pippa’s wailing upgraded to screaming.
“You’re loud!” Nick yelled, putting his hands over his ears. “You’re loud.” He looked around them, anxiously.
David rubbed a hand over his mouth. Now that he was in the back, he could see the look on Rafe’s face. Watching Nick with so much hope, and grief. Hoping to see something there besides a talking cucumber.
And he could see Nick’s face more clearly, too, and the ghost of the mischievous, gleeful boy, who had made every day at Dalton just a little more irreverent and a lot more fun, faded just a bit more. His brows screwed together, his once playful eyes clouded and lost.
For sure, David wouldn’t be pairing up with anyone. Yeah, it was all well and good for Kurt and Blaine. They’d already been together. They were stronger as a pair. But going out of your way to make a connection with someone? Someone who would probably be dead or worse tomorrow? Even if the woman he’d been considering hadn’t turned out to be a terrifying mad scientist...?
Not worth it.
***
“Where are we? I’m sorry,” Nick asked Rafe fretfully. “I’m sorry. I forgot...”
“Shhh. It’s okay.” Rafe rocked Nick slowly. “We’re in one of the tanks. The big cars we got from the Wastelanders. No one’s mad, okay? No one’s mad at you. And we’re safe, baby.”
Rafe talked a big game. He called himself a bitter queen, and he fought like hell to keep a wall of sass and vinegar between himself and anyone trying to get close. Because getting close meant letting people take aim at your squishy parts. It meant being left behind, or unloved, unwanted. Discarded.
The truth, though, was that Rafe was made up of sloppy, gooey feelings just like everyone else. He just really didn’t want to believe that anyone here was disposable, even if there didn’t seem to be any kind of hope down the road that they’d get better, or be more productive. His leg sure wasn’t going to grow back. Burt had a damn heart condition, and though they had meds now, thanks to their brave runners, there might come a time when the man just had to slow down.
And there was no guarantee that Nick was ever going to start remembering anything. Every time he woke, it was like it was the first time. Tianna couldn’t tell if Nick was just confused, suffering from the immediate effects of the brain trauma that he could slowly bounce back from, or if he had severe brain damage and would never really understand what was going on around him ever again.
“Okay, give her over.” Kurt reached for Pippa and tucked her snuggly into the sling. “There we go. Anyone mind sitting through some lullabies?”
“This girl needs to sleep,” Blaine said. “Or she’ll never stop screaming. I never thought I’d argue for rubbing whiskey on someone’s gums.”
Kurt chuckled. “Save the whiskey for the rest of us.”
“Better lullabies than eardrum busting shrieking,” David said.
“It’s a good thing we’re in this tank,” Saffire said softly. “Out there...”
“Believe me, Saff, I know,” Kurt muttered.
“It’s amazing the tank can hold the noise,” David said. “She’s going to be belter, one day. We’ll restart Broadway off of her lung power.”
“Are we singing?” Nick asked suddenly.
This killed Rafe. Killed him. Nick was here, but not here. But Rafe couldn’t bring himself to be away from his boy. Not after how hard Nick had fought to make Rafe believe he was serious about them, to get Rafe to let him in. Even then, Rafe just wasn’t sure. Did Nick remember them at all? He seemed to remember Rafe, trust him, anyway. But the rest of it might have been too recent. It might have been swallowed up by the black hole in Nick’s memories.
Kurt laid back and rocked Pippa back and forth, slowly. “We all could sing, definitely. She’ll like that. Won’t you, girl? We all want you to be happy.”
“Yeah. Warbler reunion,” Blaine said cheerfully. “What should we sing?”
“Don’t run us off the road, berzerker,” Rafe said. “Keep those cute hazel peepers on the ass of the car in front of us.”
“You guys,” Blaine protested.
Really, like anyone was going to forget what Blaine had been like fighting the Wastelanders. What he’d been like when they’d loaded up their cars and another herd of walkers had come by. He and Santana... There was just no unseeing that. Rafe figured everyone was just happy that Santana was riding by herself, in front of the group, scouting for trouble ahead.
“Remember all the things we wanted,” Nick sang suddenly. “Now all the memories, they’re haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.”
Rafe’s heart pounded. The sudden singing was a shock, but it was more... Nick’s voice sounded clear. Certain. Clear enough that Rafe just stared down at him in silence and disbelief as Nick called up from his memories the pop song lyrics and how to make his lungs, diaphragm, mouth obey to deliver beauty and melody along with the words.
“Even with our fists held high.” Nick stared up at the ceiling. “It never would’ve worked out right. We were never meant for do or die.””
“I didn’t want us to buuurn out,” Kurt sang to Pippa. “I didn’t come here to hold you, now I can’t stop.”
“I want you to know,” Blaine added in that ridiculously silky voice of his, “that it doesn’t matter where we take this road. Someone’s gotta go.”
“And I want you to know that you couldn’t have loved me better,” Nick sang, looking to Rafe with a little frown. “But I want you to move on, because I’m already gone.”
Saffire looked at David. Then they joined in, all singing together, finding harmonies. The lyrics and harmonies came easily to Nick. More easily than anything else did, and Nick had reached for Rafe’s hand and squeezed, tightly.
After the song ended, Blaine started another, moving from Kelly Clarkson’s “Already Gone” to Beyonce’s “Halo.” A wide grin bloomed on Nick’s lips. Amused by something only he seemed to know.
Rafe was the only one not singing. His eyes were fixed on Nick. He didn’t realize anyone could miss a smile so much. That big Nick grin that stretched his lips wide, highlighting his sharp nose and making his eyes squinty.
Rafe continued to watch, even after the others had finished the song, and Kurt seemed preoccupied with rocking his baby girl. Her cries had softened to little whimpers. She might give up the ghost and just crash, finally, the poor thing.
Rafe licked his lips and sang, softly and slowly, like he was at a jazz bar. “I want your ugly. I want your disease. I want your everything, as long as it’s free. I want your love. Love, love, love, I want your love.”
“I want your love and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance!” Nick sang in response. Then he grinned suddenly, inappropriately. “Ha! You’re surrounded again. Warbler invasion.”
He reached up and tweaked Rafe’s nose.
“Do you remember,” Rafe started, his voice tremulous and high, and maybe too nasal in his efforts not to bawl like Pippa, “Do you remember, Butter Noodles?”
Nick looked at him with a frown.
“Before the wedding, you went to my house-”
“Did we forget to bring Butter Noodles?”
“No, he’s riding in another car. He made it. Santana wouldn’t let us leave Brittany’s cat behind. No matter how annoying he is.”
“Brittany wouldn’t let us leave Butter Noodles behind,” Nick argued.
The others went very quiet. Rafe swallowed, then took a deep breath and plunged forward. “Do you remember how you came over to my house? And Butter Noodles came out of nowhere to scare us?”
Nick nodded along, but nothing flickered in his eyes.
“You remember that night?”
Nick’s brow furrowed. Rafe wished he could tell if Nick was confused by the question, or the fog of his brain trauma, or if he just genuinely had no idea what Rafe was talking about and the memory was forever gone. Rafe licked his lips and patted Nick’s knee.
“That’s okay. It’s okay.” His voice came out as a squeak, and he leaned back and stroked his fingers through the back of Nick dark, thick hair. “How’s your head? Is it bad?”
“It’s, um. Kind of achey.” Nick touched his temple with a pout.
“Not too bad, then? Let me know if it gets worse again? Don’t worry about it. I’ll ask again later, hon. We have plenty of extra meds, thanks to you. You’re a hero, y’know. We get to keep Papa Burt, and no one gets infections, and everyone will get better and stronger.” Rafe smiled proudly. “All thanks to you.”
“Thanks to me?”
“You made sure Blaine and the others could get in and get the medicine.” Rafe turned his head a little. He couldn’t let Nick see him crying again. That had upset him a lot, yesterday.
“Yeah, it was pretty amazing,” Blaine added, though this was not the first time Rafe had tried to get Nick to remember things. Blaine had yet to say a negative word about Rafe’s efforts at memory jogging, and usually chimed in with something to help, while David remained silent. “Rafe’s really proud of you. We all are.”
Nick’s lips opened, and he tilted his head to the side. “Okay. Thanks.”
Rafe gave David a dark look when he caught him raising a brow at Nick. The others went quiet again, and soon, Pippa’s whining had ceased and been replaced with a soft snore. Relief washed over Kurt’s face as he laid his head back and closed his eyes as well.
A few minutes later, Nick spoke out of the blue: “The night I came to your house... was before the medicine?”
“Oh! No. Well, you did come to my house the night right before you made the run. Do you remember that?” Rafe encouraged. “With, ah... We didn’t quite get to the bedroom?”
Even though it was not a family friendly story, Forest would just have to forgive Rafe if Nick started pulling out sordid details.
Nick thought for a minute. “No.”
Rafe’s heart sank into his guts. “Oh. Okay. Well, the night before that-- this was before Kurt and Blaine’s wedding, mind.”
“The wedding...”
“Yes. And you came over to my place, and Butter Noodles scared us, and then, you made some tea, and we talked.” Rafe stopped, feeling awkward about telling stories that belonged to them in front of other people.
“We talked.” Nick gave a sharp nod, then looked at Rafe. His face scrunched up, and his hand moved up to Rafe’s cheek to wipe away the tears. “Rafe! Oh. Oh. Rafe!”
Nick’s postured tightened in distress.
“Honey, it’s okay. It’s okay!” Rafe promised, petting his shoulders. “W-we talked. About you, and me, and... how I lost my leg.”
“Because of that asshole,” Nick said.
Rafe blinked.
“Asshole,” Nick repeated. He wiped Rafe’s face clean, then frowned again. But this time, not in confusion. That was clear anger.
“That, you remember?” Rafe sucked in his lower lip.
“I remember... things,” Nick argued. “You.”
“O-oh.”
Rafe nodded and then let out a huff as tears came down his cheeks again. Nick wrapped his arms around Rafe in a tight hug. He started petting Rafe’s head, the way he’d been doing for Nick all day, and twirling his fingers around Rafe’s curls.
“Do you remember the wedding, Nick?” Kurt asked.
“There’s... Yeah, you and Blaine... are gonna get married,” Nick said with a big smile.
Kurt rolled his head back to meet Rafe’s eye, then started talking about the wedding in a cheerful, gentle tone. Blaine joined in, and Saffire, in a different kind of harmony. No recognition registered in Nick’s eyes, and so after a few minutes, Kurt switched topics to something that had happened back at their boarding school, pranks that Kurt and Nick had played on the other Warblers, and sometimes their French teacher. Nick laughed, nodding along.
“Mid-season itch,” Nick added.
David’s eyes widened, and Blaine howled with laughter at the joke neither Rafe nor Saffire could parse. This went on for a while. Jogging, reminding, talking, until Nick started rubbing his eyes.
“It’s okay if you want to go back to sleep, baby,” Rafe said. “We won’t be offended.”
“I don’t want to sleep,” Nick said. “I don’t wanna.”
“You can, if you need to.” Rafe massaged the back of Nick’s neck. “You’ll be safe. We’re on the move. We’re well armed.”
“No, no. Because... I’ll... When I wake up, I won’t know...”
Rafe hugged him from behind and hooked his chin over Nick’s shoulder. “I’ll be here when you wake up. And I’ll remind you... of whatever you need reminding.”
“S’lot,” Nick muttered. Bitterly. “S’lot of reminding.”
Rafe’s throat tightened. It hadn’t occurred to him that Nick was reflecting on what had happened to him at all. Even though he’d hoped, it hadn’t occurred to him that Nick could. Something up there was still working, clicking away. How that must feel, to know something was wrong with you, and not be able to process all the pieces of what had happened.
“That’s true, hon, but think of it as an injury. Y’know? Some are permanent, like my leg, but some get better. And no matter what, I can always lean on you when I need to. Lean on me for a little while, and we’ll see how you heal first, okay?”
“Oh, Grace,” was Nick’s only reply. “Oh, Grace.”
I know I’m not anybody’s first choice. Gay, straight, boy, or girl.
I don’t know what I think. Bi-curi-something-whatever. I know you make me laugh harder than anyone ever has in my life.
You and me, gorgeous. Two dumbfuck scarecrows in this crazy-ass wasteland of Oz. Maybe I’m brain-less, maybe I’m wise!
You’re a miracle, and you are grace.
Nick’s words echoed in Rafe’s mind. He felt like their guardian, the one safekeeping their memories, the small piece of safe psychic real estate that he and Nick had painstakingly cobbled together. Rafe had kept up the fight, and now he regretted not surrendering sooner.
The moment when he’d lost faith in his resolve was crystal clear in his mind.
“It’s not exactly ‘You complete me,’” Rafe said dryly. “But it is sweet.”
Rafe curled his fingers into the fabric of Nick’s shirt, gave a quick tug, and pulled him close. Their lips came together, and his heart thudded inside him, wild and full of traitorous excitement. It had been a long time since Rafe had shared a first kiss with anyone, and he hadn’t expected to share one ever again.
“Wow,” Nick muttered, still a hair’s breadth away from Rafe.
“Not bad.” Rafe pulled back, leaned onto his cane, and fled with the lack of grace his build and brokenness afforded him. Though after Joey had kissed him for the first time, he’d stumbled and almost crashed down a flight of stairs, so this was a step up, actually.
“I’ll see you tomorrow!” Nick called after him.
“That’s what you think!” Rafe called back.
Nick howled in laughter.
“You don’t remember,” Rafe said, closing his eyes to ignore everyone else in the car. “But you won me before this happened to you. Don’t worry, sweets, I’ll tell you again tomorrow when you forget. I loved you. Our last night wasn’t the night you were hanging around, and I was still telling you to leave me be. It was the night I invited you in.”
Nick’s eyes widened in surprise, and Rafe rubbed his thumb along the bridge of Nick’s nose. Then a light ignited somewhere inside, tears and hesitation on his face. Nick’s smile fought against disbelief on his lips.
“Really?” Nick shook his head, and the uncertainty in his eyes suddenly made perfect sense. “You’re not... not just because I’m... because I’m like this...”
Rafe cupped his face and pressed their lips together. Nick’s hand touched the back of his neck, and Rafe let the kiss linger, sucking slightly over Nick’s lower lip. He knew the terrain here much better, but he took a moment to let Nick explore, get a taste of him. When Rafe pulled back, Nick’s eyes remained astonished, wide, shining. For Nick, this was another first kiss. For Nick, this was new.
And it might be new again tomorrow.
If that happened, Rafe would have to make every new first count.
“Oh, Beaky, baby. You know the only pitying I do is self.” Rafe pulled Nick’s head down to his chest. “Take it easy. We have a long trip, and who knows what hurdles we’ll have to jump tomorrow. Plus, I’m not as good at hurdling as I used to be,” he added dryly.
“Shush, shush,” Nick muttered, closing his eyes and rubbing his hand over Rafe’s bad leg. “If we gotta... I’ll help you run. No one’s leavin’ you behind.”
Rafe kissed the top of Nick’s head, avoiding whatever glances might be coming his way. He would deal with opinions from the peanut gallery later. He waited, pressing his hand to Nick’s chest, feeling the rise and fall, the sign that his guy was still hanging in there.
“You either,” Rafe whispered.
Title: I'm On My Way From Misery
Pairs: Klaine being daddies, Rafe/Nick
Word Count: 4281~
Includes: Zombies somewhere out there, mpreg
Summary: At the order of their new leader, and spurred onward by the potential spread of deadly chemical gas and cannibals, the survivors head for the coast. David and Rafe reflect on the price for their new medical supplies.
AN: Some songs.
Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone
Beyonce's Halo (aka, Blaine's favorite song)
Gaga's Bad Romance- How Rafe would sing it. :P
It took Pippa five months of life to start being a fussy baby.
David was driving one of the tanks in the middle of the caravan, and it was populated by the leader, the berzerker, the children, the immobile, and the broken. Only Pippa was fussing at the moment. He mused that given how impossible this world was to predict, that baby girl was probably right to be screaming her head off for hours on end. It was like she knew at any moment, someone might pluck one of her daddies away from her. Lord knew, someone had tried recently, and for reasons that David couldn’t fathom, that man was riding in another car under Tina’s care.
Kurt reclined in the back with Pippa, rocking her and rubbing her back. He’d calmed her somewhat, but she was still letting out a whine as she curled into his body.
“Sorry,” Kurt apologized, perhaps for the seventh time.
“Oh, baby girl, we don’t like being on the road either!” Rafe blew her a kiss and rubbed his hand over Nick’s shoulder. Nick didn’t wake, however. He seemed impervious to the sound.
“She’s just tired,” Kurt murmured, pressing a kiss to her head. The soft, but steady whining continued. “We’ve disrupted her schedule, and we’re always in the car. It’s hard for her to get enough sleep.”
“I’ll hold her, if you get tired,” Saffire offered.
“If we can calm her enough, you can definitely hold her, but she’s better with me or Blaine... or dad. That man is a baby whisperer. I hope I didn’t do this to him as a kid!”
As if on cue, Blaine scooted up beside him, wrapped an arm around him, and started crooning at their baby. David caught sight of Kurt mouthing a thank you to Blaine, and resting his head on Blaine’s shoulder. Really, Kurt should be trying to get enough sleep on his own. He had injuries to heal and a baby to feed, and the tentative peace between the members of the group lay with their faith in Kurt’s survival abilities. One way or another, each one looked at him-- a teenager younger than David, a new parent, a fighter with two gunshot wounds that left him weak and hobbling-- as their savior.
It made sense. They’d all seen him fight now. They’d all heard the stories from other survivors before they’d left the refugee housing. Kurt had gained an almost symbolic status among the living. One who could protect life, create life. But that was a lot of pressure. And it wasn’t that David didn’t believe in Kurt. He certainly did. He just worried that this was too much to place on his slowly broadening shoulders. He worried this was too much for all of them, truthfully.
More than once, it had felt like too much for David, and he mostly stayed quiet, went along with the group, smoothed things over. It was what he was good at. Mild mannered David Lincoln.
Nick stirred and looked up with groggy eyes. The sound wasn’t what had alerted him. Something inside caused him to jerk his head up, looking around for danger, and babbling something about walkers.
Rafe turned his head a little, blinking quickly, and then petted Nick’s head very, very gently. As though his large but graceful hand could somehow further damage whatever had gone wrong inside Nick’s once thick skull.
But at least he was awake. It gave David anxiety any time Nick closed his eyes for more than a few minutes. David was sure that Nick would just slip back down into eternal sleep, freed from the confines of his body and the consequences of his heroism.
When Mike and the others had returned from the run for antibiotics, Nick had been unconscious, and Tianna explained that he’d had a grande mal seizure as a result of exposure to the chemical gas released at the army base. He’d slept for over a week. David had been pretty sure that Nick would die on the trip, eventually. Then they’d have to leave him and not give him a proper burial, the way they had the others. But they dragged his remains along, and Rafe had insisted on riding with Nick, staying by his side, holding him, talking and singing to him in a quite and chirrupy voice.
Finally, Nick had woken up. Groggy and confused as he was now. As he always seemed to be. He forgot things mid-sentence. He would frown suddenly, then try to wriggle away from them. The only relief was that he seemed to know who they were, even if the particulars of anything else were beyond him, most of the time.
Still, there was no telling what was going on in that head of his. Not without a brain scan. There was no point in getting too attached.
“Hey.” Rafe stroked his finger up and down Nick’s nose.
David couldn’t imagine what it would be like for the person you loved to just not be there anymore. For their body to linger on by your side, haunting you, when they were already gone.
Nick’s hand came up and he stared at Rafe for a moment. “Oh. Oh, we’re moving...” He smacked Rafe’s arm. “We’re moving! We’re moving.”
“Yeah, hon. We’re in the tank. Remember? We’re on our way.”
“Wh...” Nick looked around slowly. “Where... Where are we going?”
“Not sure yet,” Rafe said. “The boss man has us headed west, though. To the coast, if we have to go that far.”
“But...” Nick frowned, then finally turned his head to Kurt, Blaine, and Pippa. As though he suddenly heard the crying. “Oh, precious baby girl...”
“Yeah, she’s cranky, still. Sorry,” Blaine said, a bit loudly. “How are you doing? Is the ride bothering you?’’
Nick didn’t reply. He just kept looking around and around. David could see him through fleeting glances in the rear view mirror. Like a sad, brain-damaged puppy.
David swallowed and fixed his eyes on the road.
Eventually, Nick settled and started asking Rafe questions. Why weren’t they at the town. Where was everyone else. Did the walkers chase them out. Did they fix the wall like they’d been planning. Why was Kurt’s shoulder all wrapped up. Why were all the sounds smushed together. Why did his head hurt so much.
Patiently, Rafe answered each question yet again.
“It’s bright in here,” Nick murmured, holding his hands over his eyes.
“I know. We’ll get you some sunglasses, next run, okay?” Rafe kissed his forehead. “Just stay with me, sweetie. Stay with me.”
David drew in a deep breath.
Half an hour later, the caravan slowed. Time to switch drivers. David climbed into the back, and Blaine went up front. Messages were passed over the walkie-talkies, and the car started moving again.
Pippa let out a wail.
“Oh, sweetheart, please, please sleep,” Kurt begged.
“Maybe we should have your dad come over,” Blaine said.
Saffire held out her arms. “Lemme. You can put on the sling and lay down?”
“That’s not a terrible idea.” Kurt lifted her up and settled her into Saffire’s arms.
Everyone in the car winced as Pippa’s wailing upgraded to screaming.
“You’re loud!” Nick yelled, putting his hands over his ears. “You’re loud.” He looked around them, anxiously.
David rubbed a hand over his mouth. Now that he was in the back, he could see the look on Rafe’s face. Watching Nick with so much hope, and grief. Hoping to see something there besides a talking cucumber.
And he could see Nick’s face more clearly, too, and the ghost of the mischievous, gleeful boy, who had made every day at Dalton just a little more irreverent and a lot more fun, faded just a bit more. His brows screwed together, his once playful eyes clouded and lost.
For sure, David wouldn’t be pairing up with anyone. Yeah, it was all well and good for Kurt and Blaine. They’d already been together. They were stronger as a pair. But going out of your way to make a connection with someone? Someone who would probably be dead or worse tomorrow? Even if the woman he’d been considering hadn’t turned out to be a terrifying mad scientist...?
Not worth it.
“Where are we? I’m sorry,” Nick asked Rafe fretfully. “I’m sorry. I forgot...”
“Shhh. It’s okay.” Rafe rocked Nick slowly. “We’re in one of the tanks. The big cars we got from the Wastelanders. No one’s mad, okay? No one’s mad at you. And we’re safe, baby.”
Rafe talked a big game. He called himself a bitter queen, and he fought like hell to keep a wall of sass and vinegar between himself and anyone trying to get close. Because getting close meant letting people take aim at your squishy parts. It meant being left behind, or unloved, unwanted. Discarded.
The truth, though, was that Rafe was made up of sloppy, gooey feelings just like everyone else. He just really didn’t want to believe that anyone here was disposable, even if there didn’t seem to be any kind of hope down the road that they’d get better, or be more productive. His leg sure wasn’t going to grow back. Burt had a damn heart condition, and though they had meds now, thanks to their brave runners, there might come a time when the man just had to slow down.
And there was no guarantee that Nick was ever going to start remembering anything. Every time he woke, it was like it was the first time. Tianna couldn’t tell if Nick was just confused, suffering from the immediate effects of the brain trauma that he could slowly bounce back from, or if he had severe brain damage and would never really understand what was going on around him ever again.
“Okay, give her over.” Kurt reached for Pippa and tucked her snuggly into the sling. “There we go. Anyone mind sitting through some lullabies?”
“This girl needs to sleep,” Blaine said. “Or she’ll never stop screaming. I never thought I’d argue for rubbing whiskey on someone’s gums.”
Kurt chuckled. “Save the whiskey for the rest of us.”
“Better lullabies than eardrum busting shrieking,” David said.
“It’s a good thing we’re in this tank,” Saffire said softly. “Out there...”
“Believe me, Saff, I know,” Kurt muttered.
“It’s amazing the tank can hold the noise,” David said. “She’s going to be belter, one day. We’ll restart Broadway off of her lung power.”
“Are we singing?” Nick asked suddenly.
This killed Rafe. Killed him. Nick was here, but not here. But Rafe couldn’t bring himself to be away from his boy. Not after how hard Nick had fought to make Rafe believe he was serious about them, to get Rafe to let him in. Even then, Rafe just wasn’t sure. Did Nick remember them at all? He seemed to remember Rafe, trust him, anyway. But the rest of it might have been too recent. It might have been swallowed up by the black hole in Nick’s memories.
Kurt laid back and rocked Pippa back and forth, slowly. “We all could sing, definitely. She’ll like that. Won’t you, girl? We all want you to be happy.”
“Yeah. Warbler reunion,” Blaine said cheerfully. “What should we sing?”
“Don’t run us off the road, berzerker,” Rafe said. “Keep those cute hazel peepers on the ass of the car in front of us.”
“You guys,” Blaine protested.
Really, like anyone was going to forget what Blaine had been like fighting the Wastelanders. What he’d been like when they’d loaded up their cars and another herd of walkers had come by. He and Santana... There was just no unseeing that. Rafe figured everyone was just happy that Santana was riding by herself, in front of the group, scouting for trouble ahead.
“Remember all the things we wanted,” Nick sang suddenly. “Now all the memories, they’re haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.”
Rafe’s heart pounded. The sudden singing was a shock, but it was more... Nick’s voice sounded clear. Certain. Clear enough that Rafe just stared down at him in silence and disbelief as Nick called up from his memories the pop song lyrics and how to make his lungs, diaphragm, mouth obey to deliver beauty and melody along with the words.
“Even with our fists held high.” Nick stared up at the ceiling. “It never would’ve worked out right. We were never meant for do or die.””
“I didn’t want us to buuurn out,” Kurt sang to Pippa. “I didn’t come here to hold you, now I can’t stop.”
“I want you to know,” Blaine added in that ridiculously silky voice of his, “that it doesn’t matter where we take this road. Someone’s gotta go.”
“And I want you to know that you couldn’t have loved me better,” Nick sang, looking to Rafe with a little frown. “But I want you to move on, because I’m already gone.”
Saffire looked at David. Then they joined in, all singing together, finding harmonies. The lyrics and harmonies came easily to Nick. More easily than anything else did, and Nick had reached for Rafe’s hand and squeezed, tightly.
After the song ended, Blaine started another, moving from Kelly Clarkson’s “Already Gone” to Beyonce’s “Halo.” A wide grin bloomed on Nick’s lips. Amused by something only he seemed to know.
Rafe was the only one not singing. His eyes were fixed on Nick. He didn’t realize anyone could miss a smile so much. That big Nick grin that stretched his lips wide, highlighting his sharp nose and making his eyes squinty.
Rafe continued to watch, even after the others had finished the song, and Kurt seemed preoccupied with rocking his baby girl. Her cries had softened to little whimpers. She might give up the ghost and just crash, finally, the poor thing.
Rafe licked his lips and sang, softly and slowly, like he was at a jazz bar. “I want your ugly. I want your disease. I want your everything, as long as it’s free. I want your love. Love, love, love, I want your love.”
“I want your love and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance!” Nick sang in response. Then he grinned suddenly, inappropriately. “Ha! You’re surrounded again. Warbler invasion.”
He reached up and tweaked Rafe’s nose.
“Do you remember,” Rafe started, his voice tremulous and high, and maybe too nasal in his efforts not to bawl like Pippa, “Do you remember, Butter Noodles?”
Nick looked at him with a frown.
“Before the wedding, you went to my house-”
“Did we forget to bring Butter Noodles?”
“No, he’s riding in another car. He made it. Santana wouldn’t let us leave Brittany’s cat behind. No matter how annoying he is.”
“Brittany wouldn’t let us leave Butter Noodles behind,” Nick argued.
The others went very quiet. Rafe swallowed, then took a deep breath and plunged forward. “Do you remember how you came over to my house? And Butter Noodles came out of nowhere to scare us?”
Nick nodded along, but nothing flickered in his eyes.
“You remember that night?”
Nick’s brow furrowed. Rafe wished he could tell if Nick was confused by the question, or the fog of his brain trauma, or if he just genuinely had no idea what Rafe was talking about and the memory was forever gone. Rafe licked his lips and patted Nick’s knee.
“That’s okay. It’s okay.” His voice came out as a squeak, and he leaned back and stroked his fingers through the back of Nick dark, thick hair. “How’s your head? Is it bad?”
“It’s, um. Kind of achey.” Nick touched his temple with a pout.
“Not too bad, then? Let me know if it gets worse again? Don’t worry about it. I’ll ask again later, hon. We have plenty of extra meds, thanks to you. You’re a hero, y’know. We get to keep Papa Burt, and no one gets infections, and everyone will get better and stronger.” Rafe smiled proudly. “All thanks to you.”
“Thanks to me?”
“You made sure Blaine and the others could get in and get the medicine.” Rafe turned his head a little. He couldn’t let Nick see him crying again. That had upset him a lot, yesterday.
“Yeah, it was pretty amazing,” Blaine added, though this was not the first time Rafe had tried to get Nick to remember things. Blaine had yet to say a negative word about Rafe’s efforts at memory jogging, and usually chimed in with something to help, while David remained silent. “Rafe’s really proud of you. We all are.”
Nick’s lips opened, and he tilted his head to the side. “Okay. Thanks.”
Rafe gave David a dark look when he caught him raising a brow at Nick. The others went quiet again, and soon, Pippa’s whining had ceased and been replaced with a soft snore. Relief washed over Kurt’s face as he laid his head back and closed his eyes as well.
A few minutes later, Nick spoke out of the blue: “The night I came to your house... was before the medicine?”
“Oh! No. Well, you did come to my house the night right before you made the run. Do you remember that?” Rafe encouraged. “With, ah... We didn’t quite get to the bedroom?”
Even though it was not a family friendly story, Forest would just have to forgive Rafe if Nick started pulling out sordid details.
Nick thought for a minute. “No.”
Rafe’s heart sank into his guts. “Oh. Okay. Well, the night before that-- this was before Kurt and Blaine’s wedding, mind.”
“The wedding...”
“Yes. And you came over to my place, and Butter Noodles scared us, and then, you made some tea, and we talked.” Rafe stopped, feeling awkward about telling stories that belonged to them in front of other people.
“We talked.” Nick gave a sharp nod, then looked at Rafe. His face scrunched up, and his hand moved up to Rafe’s cheek to wipe away the tears. “Rafe! Oh. Oh. Rafe!”
Nick’s postured tightened in distress.
“Honey, it’s okay. It’s okay!” Rafe promised, petting his shoulders. “W-we talked. About you, and me, and... how I lost my leg.”
“Because of that asshole,” Nick said.
Rafe blinked.
“Asshole,” Nick repeated. He wiped Rafe’s face clean, then frowned again. But this time, not in confusion. That was clear anger.
“That, you remember?” Rafe sucked in his lower lip.
“I remember... things,” Nick argued. “You.”
“O-oh.”
Rafe nodded and then let out a huff as tears came down his cheeks again. Nick wrapped his arms around Rafe in a tight hug. He started petting Rafe’s head, the way he’d been doing for Nick all day, and twirling his fingers around Rafe’s curls.
“Do you remember the wedding, Nick?” Kurt asked.
“There’s... Yeah, you and Blaine... are gonna get married,” Nick said with a big smile.
Kurt rolled his head back to meet Rafe’s eye, then started talking about the wedding in a cheerful, gentle tone. Blaine joined in, and Saffire, in a different kind of harmony. No recognition registered in Nick’s eyes, and so after a few minutes, Kurt switched topics to something that had happened back at their boarding school, pranks that Kurt and Nick had played on the other Warblers, and sometimes their French teacher. Nick laughed, nodding along.
“Mid-season itch,” Nick added.
David’s eyes widened, and Blaine howled with laughter at the joke neither Rafe nor Saffire could parse. This went on for a while. Jogging, reminding, talking, until Nick started rubbing his eyes.
“It’s okay if you want to go back to sleep, baby,” Rafe said. “We won’t be offended.”
“I don’t want to sleep,” Nick said. “I don’t wanna.”
“You can, if you need to.” Rafe massaged the back of Nick’s neck. “You’ll be safe. We’re on the move. We’re well armed.”
“No, no. Because... I’ll... When I wake up, I won’t know...”
Rafe hugged him from behind and hooked his chin over Nick’s shoulder. “I’ll be here when you wake up. And I’ll remind you... of whatever you need reminding.”
“S’lot,” Nick muttered. Bitterly. “S’lot of reminding.”
Rafe’s throat tightened. It hadn’t occurred to him that Nick was reflecting on what had happened to him at all. Even though he’d hoped, it hadn’t occurred to him that Nick could. Something up there was still working, clicking away. How that must feel, to know something was wrong with you, and not be able to process all the pieces of what had happened.
“That’s true, hon, but think of it as an injury. Y’know? Some are permanent, like my leg, but some get better. And no matter what, I can always lean on you when I need to. Lean on me for a little while, and we’ll see how you heal first, okay?”
“Oh, Grace,” was Nick’s only reply. “Oh, Grace.”
I know I’m not anybody’s first choice. Gay, straight, boy, or girl.
I don’t know what I think. Bi-curi-something-whatever. I know you make me laugh harder than anyone ever has in my life.
You and me, gorgeous. Two dumbfuck scarecrows in this crazy-ass wasteland of Oz. Maybe I’m brain-less, maybe I’m wise!
You’re a miracle, and you are grace.
Nick’s words echoed in Rafe’s mind. He felt like their guardian, the one safekeeping their memories, the small piece of safe psychic real estate that he and Nick had painstakingly cobbled together. Rafe had kept up the fight, and now he regretted not surrendering sooner.
The moment when he’d lost faith in his resolve was crystal clear in his mind.
“It’s not exactly ‘You complete me,’” Rafe said dryly. “But it is sweet.”
Rafe curled his fingers into the fabric of Nick’s shirt, gave a quick tug, and pulled him close. Their lips came together, and his heart thudded inside him, wild and full of traitorous excitement. It had been a long time since Rafe had shared a first kiss with anyone, and he hadn’t expected to share one ever again.
“Wow,” Nick muttered, still a hair’s breadth away from Rafe.
“Not bad.” Rafe pulled back, leaned onto his cane, and fled with the lack of grace his build and brokenness afforded him. Though after Joey had kissed him for the first time, he’d stumbled and almost crashed down a flight of stairs, so this was a step up, actually.
“I’ll see you tomorrow!” Nick called after him.
“That’s what you think!” Rafe called back.
Nick howled in laughter.
“You don’t remember,” Rafe said, closing his eyes to ignore everyone else in the car. “But you won me before this happened to you. Don’t worry, sweets, I’ll tell you again tomorrow when you forget. I loved you. Our last night wasn’t the night you were hanging around, and I was still telling you to leave me be. It was the night I invited you in.”
Nick’s eyes widened in surprise, and Rafe rubbed his thumb along the bridge of Nick’s nose. Then a light ignited somewhere inside, tears and hesitation on his face. Nick’s smile fought against disbelief on his lips.
“Really?” Nick shook his head, and the uncertainty in his eyes suddenly made perfect sense. “You’re not... not just because I’m... because I’m like this...”
Rafe cupped his face and pressed their lips together. Nick’s hand touched the back of his neck, and Rafe let the kiss linger, sucking slightly over Nick’s lower lip. He knew the terrain here much better, but he took a moment to let Nick explore, get a taste of him. When Rafe pulled back, Nick’s eyes remained astonished, wide, shining. For Nick, this was another first kiss. For Nick, this was new.
And it might be new again tomorrow.
If that happened, Rafe would have to make every new first count.
“Oh, Beaky, baby. You know the only pitying I do is self.” Rafe pulled Nick’s head down to his chest. “Take it easy. We have a long trip, and who knows what hurdles we’ll have to jump tomorrow. Plus, I’m not as good at hurdling as I used to be,” he added dryly.
“Shush, shush,” Nick muttered, closing his eyes and rubbing his hand over Rafe’s bad leg. “If we gotta... I’ll help you run. No one’s leavin’ you behind.”
Rafe kissed the top of Nick’s head, avoiding whatever glances might be coming his way. He would deal with opinions from the peanut gallery later. He waited, pressing his hand to Nick’s chest, feeling the rise and fall, the sign that his guy was still hanging in there.
“You either,” Rafe whispered.
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Thank you. :D