ladydreamer: Woman in near profile holds a long handheld gun up with dramatic lighting. (Default)
[personal profile] ladydreamer
Title: With You
Pair: Kurt/Adam
Word Count: 888
Includes: A few unfair thoughts to Blaine (although Kurt admits they are unfair), male pregnancy, a legal surgical procedure that some people feel morally against, emotional Kurt
Summary: Post 4x14. Shortly after Kurt gets together with Adam, he discovers that he’s pregnant, and doesn’t know who the father is.
AN: I’ve been prompted for this a few times. So here’s my thoughts on how it would go. :P

Between the wedding, and the reunion afterward, nothing had really been clear. The subsequent emotional wreckage had been bad enough. What he’d done, what he should have done, how he should have handled things. Should should should.

Even worse, the question haunted Kurt’s mind whether Blaine had poked holes in the condoms when he’d insisted on his turn on top. It wasn’t fair, but that’s what it was. Blaine had been so determined when he’d told Kurt they would always be together. Kurt had refused to engage with it. Maybe he should have. He should have been more assertive. Let himself get angry. Refused to let Blaine have that much access to him, even for closure, or control, or for whatever that had been.

But weeks afterward, as his stomach started rolling, and his head floating and dizzy, and his energy levels dropping, his new boyfriend held him, petting his forehead with worry, and the uncharitable thought came to his mind. It was possible that Blaine had tried to trap him. It was equally as possible that Kurt was now a little angry with both Blaine and himself, and it had just been an accident. With Blaine or with Adam. He couldn’t know, and he needed to stop obsessing over this detail he couldn’t access.

Either way, now he sat in the doctor’s office, rubbing his middle and leaning into Adam, trying to keep the tears at bay. He knew his hormones wouldn’t be back to normal for a little while; the doctor had said that at his last visit. He’d been trying to spare Adam...

But Adam was apparently applying for sainthood this year. He just kissed the top of Kurt’s forehead.

“It’ll be all right, darling. Don’t worry so.”

Kurt just squeezed his hand.

When the nurse called them, Kurt went with Adam inside. They waited. Then listened to the psychiatrist on staff. Then waited again. Then, in a smaller room, Kurt slipped out of his clothes, feeling bare and exposed and his nerves on fire, and then into a thin paper gown. Adam helped him up onto the table. He kissed his forehead again.

Adam held Kurt hand the whole time, and whispered to him sweet things. Comforting things. Future things.

“This was always your decision to make,” Adam said afterwards. “And whoever’s chi- I think this was for the best.”

He never broke contact with Kurt. He never left Kurt reaching for that connection.

Adam’s eyes were a little sad. And that just killed Kurt. His eyes were so expressive, even when he wasn’t saying anything. But they were mostly worried. And most important of all, still very much in love. Earlier that week as they’d talked through Kurt’s conflicted and quite prolific feelings about being pregnant at this point in his life, and being unsure of the father on top of that, Kurt had been busy judging himself for his poor decisions, feeling that he needed to be punished, and worrying about Adam’s emotional needs. That maybe he didn’t deserve to be with Adam, being this broken, carrying this much baggage.

A lot of nonsense coming to the surface as his stress levels rose.

Adam had remained calm, for most of it. Though he’d cried a bit seeing Kurt so distressed. That had in turn caused Kurt to wrap Adam up in his arms and assure him that while he was sure of so little in his life at times, he knew he wanted to be with Adam.

That night Kurt lay curled up on Adam’s sofa, alternatively crying, and then feeling huge waves of relief wash over him. At both ends of the pendulum, Adam held him, and rubbed his back, and waited on him, making sure he had some dinner, and plenty of fluids (including of course tea), and making sure Kurt didn’t strain himself getting up and down. Kurt felt a little raw, but he was starting to believe that things would be fine, and this would pass away as a memory on a stop in his larger life plans.

In the end, it would be yet another thing he never shared with his father, or most of his friends. That he was able to share this with Adam, and have his full unwavering support had a deep impact on Kurt. It went to his core, but didn’t shake him. Rather, it settled him.

He felt that he would do anything to make sure those looks of concern and hurt would never cross Adam’s face again. He felt he would never let himself go without that kind of support ever, ever again. And for the first time, in spite of his myriad of perceived flaws, he felt he deserved it. He’d spent much of his life caring for and propping up. With Adam, he could give and receive.

It was a revelation that shouldn’t have been so hard for him.

As Kurt dozed off in Adam’s arms, Adam rocked him a little, whispering just before Kurt slipped into dream:

“I’m so, so glad you’re with me, dear heart.”


ladydreamer: Woman in near profile holds a long handheld gun up with dramatic lighting. (Default)
Jenny Wrayne

August 2017

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